For the Love of All that is Random
by AllieAmberwhite
Summary: Phobias, vampire teabags, and general insanity is captured in short little fics ranging from all characters and all genres.
1. Intro

**Teeheehee.**

**THIS IS A THING, WHERE I USE ALL CHARACTERS. AND ALL GENRES. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Maniac laugh***

**~~~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Allie :D**


	2. Vampire Teabag

**Characters: Simon L. & Jace L/M/H.**

**Genre: Humor**

Jace and Simon were waiting patiently (fortunately) and did so in silence (what a shocker) while Clary got her sketchpad from upstairs. Simon sat upon the couch, bored as hell, wondering vaguely how he could spend the rest of his existence without getting bored all of the time. Jace had opted to make himself some earl grey tea to occupy his mouth.

Simon could smell it, and it was slightly nauseating. But if he thought like a human would, it smelled enticing to say the least. He sighed loudly, staring into space.

"Do you miss drinking normal drinks, daylighter? Such as... tea?" Jace randomly asked, staring at Simon above his cup and saucer. "Why do you want to know?" Simon asked, narrowing his eyes at the person whom he hated more than he hated getting killed on World of Warcraft. "I found a way for you to drink tea." Jace said, smirking a smirk which Simon couldn't see from behind the china.

"... Oh really now." Simon said, suspicious.

"Instead of let us say, a peppermint tea bag, or earl grey, apple cinnamon, green tea, any kind of herbal tea... A used tampon."


	3. The Fear of Long Words

**Characters: Alec L. & Magnus B.**

** Genre: Horror, Humor**

Magnus and Alec were having a Disney marathon, and after watching Hercules, The Lion Kind I, II, and 1 1/2, they decided it was time to watch Mary Poppins.

Little did Magnus know, that Alec would scream during that one song where they are all in the sidewalk picture at the fair.

"Alec! WHAT'S WRONG!"

"THAT WORD! OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT WORD IS HUGE!"

"... ?"

"OH MY FUCKING GOD MAGNUS SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT UP THAT IS THE DEVIL OF ALL WORDS OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

"... Alec, do you by any chance have ?"

"OH MY FUCKING GOD MAGNUS STOP SAYING ALL THESE LONG WORDS THEY SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME OH MY GOD YES I HAVE THE PHOBIA OH MY GOD OH MY GOD."

"... I'd would've never guessed."


	4. Arachibutyrophobia

**Character: Jace, Max**

**Genre: Horror, Humor**

Max approached Jace boldly, smiling widely as he presented Jace with a token of brotherly love: a sandwich. Jace raised his eyebrows at the very random gesture. "What kind is it?"

He took a bite. And then started crying. Max looked alarmed. "IT WAS ONLY PEANUT BUTTER!"

Max did all he possibly could to get Jace to calm down, which included grabbing a spoon and three glasses of cherry Pepsi. "Jace? What's wrong? Did you not like it?"

"No, Max, it's just... Can you keep a secret and swear on the angel that you won't break my manly pride by repeating this to ANYONE?"

"Not even Alec?"

"ESPECIALLY NOT ALEC... I... Have Arachibutyrophobia. It means... I'm scared of peanut butter sticking to the roof of my mouth."


	5. Peladophobia

**Characters: Alec & Magnus**

**Genre: Horror, Humor**

It was leasurely stroll through Central Park, and a well repeated routine between the gay lovers we know as Alec and Magnus. They had gone around the park, holding hands, buying cotton candy at the vendor and feeding each other while onlookers looked at them strangely.

Oh yes. This was a good day.

But the goodness for Magnus came to a crash-landing, when he ran into a ran no more than 29 years old.

Magnus stared at this man, who in his eyes was grotesquely unattractive, and then scream; loudly, and oddly girl like.

"BALD!"

Man's expression: O_O... O_o... ):O... ;_;

Alec hushed him by groping his ass, and then apologized profusely to the now crying man on the trail.

After Alec successfully got Magnus to at least quiet his screaming to a whispering chant of "Bald. BALD. It's so... BALD."

"WTF MAGNUS. W. T. F!"

"I have peladophobia. Didn't I tell you that like... Yesterday?"

"... WTF!"

"It's the fear of BALD people Alec. Honestly. look it up on the internet."

"WTF IS THE INTERNET."

"Young grasshopper, you have MUCH to learn."


	6. Pogonophobia

**Characters: Isabelle L, Robert L**

**Genre: Horror, Humor**

Isabelle was innocently painting her ceiling in her bedroom, humming some awful Lady Gag-a, when her father burst into the room, dressed in a banana suit aand sporting...

A...

Mother...

Fucking...

Beard.

A big.

Disgusting looking.

Beard.

It was fluffy.

And greasy looking.

Plain wrong upon Robert Lightwood's face.

It was an abomination to Shadowhunter society.

Isabelle, having Pogonophobia, the fear of beards, she did what any other girl with Pogonophobia would do.

She took a welding torch she randomly found to be in her hand in place of green paint and a sponge.

And then, she burned her fathers beard off.

She was only 14 years old.

Oh the trauma.


	7. Dutchphobic

**Characters: Clary F/M**

**Genre: Horror, Humor**

Clary Fray/Fairchild/Morgenstern was a Dutchphobic.

She hated the Dutch with a firey passion. With there creepy windmills and big wooden shoes, and the beautiful golden braids that they sported.

And the booze.

The Dutch had accents.

The Dutch were crazy.

Clary couldn't stand to let them all live.

No. They are not human, Clary thought.

THE DUTCH MUST DIE.

**(A/N: No offense to the Dutch! Tiz merely a plotline people. No need to throw apple sauce.)**


	8. Birthday Suit

**Characters: Clary and Alec**

**Genre: Drama, Humor**

Clary knocked on the door to Alec's room with an air of confidence. Alec opened his door, expecting to see his mother perhaps, seeing as both his sister and Jace would disregard his privacy and barge right in. Clary was one of the last people he suspected to see on the otherside of the door.

"Uh... Hi Clary."

"Hello Alec. I have a question for you."

"Uhm... Ok?"

"Can I draw you in your birthday suit?"

"... Excuse me?"

"Naked. I want to draw you. When you are naked. Drawing Jace got boring. I wanna see a REAL man on my paper."


	9. The Truth

**Characters: Magnus and Isabelle**

**Genre: Humor, Friendship**

"Magnus, you're my friend, right?"

"Why yes. Yes I am."

"So you'd tell me the truth... Right?"

"I don't see why I wouldn't tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

"Well... Ok. I need to ask you a question. And you need to be COMPLETELY honest with me. I won't even get mad if it's negative."

"Get on with it Isabelle."

"Do these jeans make my butt look fat?"

"Extremely. It's hideous. It reminds me why I like men. That color makes your ass look humongous, and the fucking lighter highlights make your ass look not only bigGER, but droopy like some old grannies ass. Honestly Izzy, did you NOT try them on when you bought them? If you did, DID YOU LOOK IN THE FUCKING MIRROR? Honestly Izz. I thought you knew better than that."

"... YOU SONUVABITCH I AM GONNA CUT YOU UP!"


	10. Sharpie on Cloud 9

**Characters: Magnus Bane**

**Genre: Humor**

Being 800+ years old, I would certainly know the various ways to get high.

It ranges from crack, mary-jane, huffing gasoline, sniffing white-out, injections, acid, special K, and all the crazy shit.

I have tried all of that shit at least 3 times.

But my VERY favorite that I unintetionally do EVERY FUCKING TIME I magic myself a marker, is the cursed yet beloved sharpie marker.

It's toxic fumes waft through my apartment as I write. And it's fucking fantastic.

But I will never forget that one day back when sharpies first came out... It was a fine winter day...

*FLASHBACK*

"THIS SHIT IS THE SHITS."

"Haha... Maggie... Haha, you got fucking black sharpie on your fucking face dude. Haha."

"NO I DON'T! I'M SMELLING IT."

"HAHAHAHAHA IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A HITLER 'STACHE MAGGIE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *cough cough, splutter*"

"NO I DO NOT BITCH, I DO NOT. FUCK YOU. THIS SHIT IS THE SHITS."

*END IF FLASHBACK*

I remember that I hallucinated a lot too. I remember talking to armadillos that were on their way to California, because there father's girlfriend's sister's son's daughters petunias were in desperate need of pampering by professional garderners. I have them my card so that they could take care of my plants one day.

Two days later I found out that I really gave my card to a very desperate and fat prostitute in a laundry mat.

...

Oh those were the days. So carefree.


	11. Period Steak

**Characters: Isabelle L.**

**Genre: Humour**

For supper tonight, I decided to make steak! I've never made steak before, so I hope that for my first time it will be superb! I'm sure it will be. I'm so sure I got it right!

I put the raw steak in a bowl, and poured the cow blood I got from the butcher yesterday. I then added paprika and garlic powder, cracked a cupple of eggs in with the shells, and a healthy dallop of mushy beans.

I mixed the mixture, singing to myself, when my phone suddenly started to ring. Frantic, I picked up my phone while I continued to stir...

Not only did I manage to grab my phone, but I managed to dump my steaks on top of it.

SHIT.

MY PHONE!

And of course, Jace, the little prick, picked THAT MOMENT to come in.

"EW IT SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE HAD THEIR PERIOD IN HERE!"

I am NEVER making steak again.


	12. 300 RipOff

**Characters: Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood**

**Genre: Humour**

The cashier stared at the gay couple that was currently trying to decide between buying sparkling apple juice or normal. the had gone as far as to yell at each other. The one that wanted the sparkling apple juice was sparkly, and very tall and easily loomed over the shorter, non-sparkly one.

The fought endlessly, and at last the cashier noticed the angry manager approaching. "WHO ARE YOU!"

The couple stopped yelling... For a moment. The man in black pointed a finger at his boyfriend. "THIS IS MAGNUS!"

"THIS. IS. ALEC!"

And then they high-fived. For their cheap 300 moment had made there lives complete.


	13. Straight or Not to be Straight

**Characters: Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood**

**Genre: Humour**

"Magnus, there's something you need to know."

"Yes...?"

"I... I'm gay."

"GASP! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!"

"I knew I shouldn't have told you! You hate me now, don't you!"

"Of course not I fucking love you! But for LILITH'S SAKE ALEC YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! "There's something you need to know." HONESTLY darling I thought you were going to fucking tell me you were STRAIGHT!


	14. Vampire Teabag 2

**Characters: Simon Lewis**

**Genre: Humour**

Simon sighed to himself is disbelief, I mean, was he seriously stooping THIS LOW?

I mean... It couldn't hurt... It was just tea.

With a tampon in it.

A used tampon.

That Isabelle had.

Did this make Simon a total creep? For you see, wouldn't it be unnerving to watch him ninja roll into Isabelle's bedroom, swiss army crawl to the bathroom, and root through her trash till he found the dreaded Vampire Teabag?

Simon took his dainty little fag-spoon, and mixed the contents of the tampon with the scorching water.

Picking the cup up, he sniffed it.

Deeeeeeee-licious.

Now, the only problem was getting caught, or the water being blessed.

Or, the teabag would be nasty.

Simon had detected that the tampon was quite fresh, still damp and dripping with blood from Isabelle's monthly visitor.

Simon wondered if it would have been less creepy with a tampon of Clary's.

...

Nah. God knows how many times Jace has had his tongue up there.

*Shiver*


End file.
